http://mortuussoul.deviantart.com/
Well, here's to another Thursday.
I have to finish my college application today, send my transcript.
Lately I haven't been feeling too bad about my physical appearance. No, I didn't grow self esteem, I just have a class with a little head man in it.
It breaks my heart to look at him; I can't imagine living with such an obvious deformity. People look at freaks more than beautiful specimens. So lately I've thought things like, "Jesus, I am really getting obese..." or "Fuck, look at the tumor growing on my face..." but these thoughts are followed with the simple image of this grown man with a tiny head.
Then the biology nerd inside me asks things like, how is this mutation carried on? Would his fore bearers have been able to reproduce with any willing member of the opposite sex? Did they just form a colony of little head people? I wish that were the case, but they seem really rare. So I concluded that it was a birth defect not caused by lingering genetic material...an accident.
Okay, I've spent way too much time on him in today's blog, but I feel his influence in my life now.
Back to the main point, college.
I am not what anyone would call a social butterfly. Not even a social moth...I'm more like a spider.
Hiding in little corners and only meeting people when they catch me between places. Normally resulting in my spider legs disconnectedly twitching and my body a pulp of brownish juices.
So I find the concept of moving to a new community with new people more than intimidating.
Apparently some people do not have this challenge.
And apparently moving on to new faces is just a part of life's great scheme.
Excuse me for forgetting my lines.
I don't want new people. I liked the old ones just fine.
And even after they are gone, hours away, being cool and making buddies, I refuse to relinquish the hold that they had on me.
So I'm caught up in this confusing pile of emotion.
Leave, stay, leave, stay, leave...?
Stay and compost?
Leave and be lonely?
I can't decide.
I can't keep up my cardboard smiles much longer either, I'm sad.
Just driving down the road, the places in between the songs on the CD, the stifling quiet of nighttime, trying to sleep, thinking about old phone calls, listening to the crazy parts of my head that I used to try to ignore,my unfinished painting, so many small things I can't explain.
I'm bordering on the ridiculous. But that's just me.
I have to finish my college application today, send my transcript.
Lately I haven't been feeling too bad about my physical appearance. No, I didn't grow self esteem, I just have a class with a little head man in it.
It breaks my heart to look at him; I can't imagine living with such an obvious deformity. People look at freaks more than beautiful specimens. So lately I've thought things like, "Jesus, I am really getting obese..." or "Fuck, look at the tumor growing on my face..." but these thoughts are followed with the simple image of this grown man with a tiny head.
Then the biology nerd inside me asks things like, how is this mutation carried on? Would his fore bearers have been able to reproduce with any willing member of the opposite sex? Did they just form a colony of little head people? I wish that were the case, but they seem really rare. So I concluded that it was a birth defect not caused by lingering genetic material...an accident.
Okay, I've spent way too much time on him in today's blog, but I feel his influence in my life now.
Back to the main point, college.
I am not what anyone would call a social butterfly. Not even a social moth...I'm more like a spider.
Hiding in little corners and only meeting people when they catch me between places. Normally resulting in my spider legs disconnectedly twitching and my body a pulp of brownish juices.
So I find the concept of moving to a new community with new people more than intimidating.
Apparently some people do not have this challenge.
And apparently moving on to new faces is just a part of life's great scheme.
Excuse me for forgetting my lines.
I don't want new people. I liked the old ones just fine.
And even after they are gone, hours away, being cool and making buddies, I refuse to relinquish the hold that they had on me.
So I'm caught up in this confusing pile of emotion.
Leave, stay, leave, stay, leave...?
Stay and compost?
Leave and be lonely?
I can't decide.
I can't keep up my cardboard smiles much longer either, I'm sad.
Just driving down the road, the places in between the songs on the CD, the stifling quiet of nighttime, trying to sleep, thinking about old phone calls, listening to the crazy parts of my head that I used to try to ignore,my unfinished painting, so many small things I can't explain.
I'm bordering on the ridiculous. But that's just me.
3 comments:
That was scary. The picture, I mean.
But, just so you know, I'm not moving on.
Of course you are silly. It's a good thing.
Living in the world you're in is healthy and admirable.
That doesn't mean you forget people, it just means you try to be happy with what you have. Also a very good thing.
Languishing away and crying at night are not admirable behavior.
It's lame.
I want good things for you, exciting friends, thrilling adventures, edifying classes, lovely scenery...etc.
I just get a little jealous that I'm not participating.
That I'm not with you, that I can't have adventures with you again.
And maybe I'm just supposed to have my own now.
Well,
the saddest part of today was that my pens both failed to work halfway through statistics.
And I forgot them for Spanish, making a special trip to my car to acquire pens...and then the fuckers ran out of ink.
My last pens...
So your letter is not getting written at all.
Should you decide to complete the letter, then mail it to:
Alec Chunn
Western Washington University
516 High St.
807A Buchanan Towers
Bellingham, WA 98225
But, other than that,thanks for the encouragement.
P.S. Sean is watching "Girl, Interrupted."
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