If I am to perish from my swiftly worsening disease, I thought it might be prudent to compose a list of beneficiaries in the event of my death.I write to you all wearing my rabbit fur coat and shivering desperately. I do not know how many hours, or minutes I have left on the firm soil. My first request is to be cremated, to go out in the smoke of flame and glory. Preferably viking style, you know flaming arrows launched at my raft full of kindling? And I would go sailing down the Columbia river, oh what a sight to behold!
Haley,
You were a wonderful friend and sister; I know I borrowed beverages and cigarettes too often. So I am leaving you about fifteen camel no. 9's (100's) and the five dollars and forty seven cents in my checking/savings account. Please get yourself a venti pumpkin spice latte and enjoy every last ounce.
Nick,
Please dear most-of-the-time lover, know that I loved you dearly. I leave you the recording equipment and the clown painting. I know how much you love it. (Hah.) Also, you can have my laptop. Since you did give it to me originally. Make sure to delete or at least hide any racy photos you find. That would be most appreciated.
Alec,
Please take the remainder of all of my paintings. Unless you are going to keep them in another goddamn closet, in which case, don't bother. You also inherit all of my stories and my much loved black leather notebook filled with Isabelle Sands.
Gary,
You get my nylon string guitar. And my Dreamcast.
Dad,
Use my college money to go somewhere fantastic. You deserve it.
At my funeral please play, "Asleep."
And don't cry dear friends and relations. I'll be in a better place.
Or if Christianity is correct...Hell's fiery inferno.
