"I'd rather be lonely. I'd rather be free..."Right now there is $11,000 sitting in bank accounts that belong to me. It's college money and wedding money.
But how much interest do I have in college or marriage?
I'm sitting in my stupid lingerie outfit with a headache the size of a small impoverished nation, wondering how things worked out this way.
I remember the day I was proposed to, the horror of it. The only thing that kept me from bolting headlong from the car and sprinting down the darkened streets was him. But even that doesn't seem like enough anymore.
And the words, the pledge I made on the dock with shaking legs...
"Sure. I guess."
With vomit churning in my guts, with my throat closing, with my heart hammering frantic in my chest.
It all inspires me to terror. Wedding invitations, dresses, deadlines. I discuss them with the people involved, again longing to escape the room.
"Congratulations" Mozel-fucking toff.
People tell me I have cold feet.
My whole body is numb.
My heart is cold.
What can I do?
Do I walk down an aisle, sign some papers and carry-on?
Do I run away again? To find myself alone and unhappy?
Why is Jenny Lewis singing the same line to me over and over again?
"I'd rather be lonely, I'd rather be free..."
2 comments:
Well, obviously people can't tell you what to do. But, while you weigh the pros and cons of marrying Nick, don't forget about the freedoms he still grants you. Though they are not the freedoms that you and Jenny Lewis sing of, are they sufficient? Can you build a (happy) life on that?
Marriage is a scary thing. You have to do a lot of things to make love happen. And, despite what misgivings you might have, you must realize what a great match the two of you are.
He may not understand how you feel or your constant desire to be free but at least he doesn't squash it.
If he does, then I have missed something entirely.
I guess the point of this lengthy comment is to decide which you can't live without: limitless freedoms or Nick Lowery.
Also, it's good to read your blogs again. Do keep posting.
hmmm
i think you know what to do
and no one else can tell you
you can't use other people's relationships as examples either
and whatever it is,
i will always be here
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