I crouch next to the poorly insulated door to my shed, searching for nothing on the vast internet. The cold creeps under and around the door, leaving me shivery and numb.
I can be more than this, right?
I mean, I'm more than halfway done with a novel. An interesting and thoughtful novel.
(In my opinion.)
I have written songs that rival ones I've heard on the radio. Lyrics that are haunting and well composed. (Also in my opinion.)
I've grown into a woman, no longer the ugly fashion retarded teenager of days past. I notice people watching me at school, and it isn't because I'm yelling, "Ewop!" or delivering candy hearts to a stranger, or skating around on cardboard, or hitting people with purses, or stealing frog testicles, or running around the football field smeared in fake blood.
I get jealous looks from girls and lustful ones from men. Believe me, it isn't my ego talking. I still don't have much of an ego.
It's strange to admit it, that I recognize my physical appeal. I've lived for so long afraid that my legs were swelling up and my stomach fat was exploding from my shirt. (Delusions, as I have never been overweight.) I lived my entire teenagerhood feeling either bland or hideous. But here I am, growing up. Realizing that I've been silly.
My father is turning my college account over to me. Cutting the cord. From here on out, I'm taking care of my tuition. He's giving me a lump sum to plan my wedding.
Next I'm getting kicked out of my rather small, but mostly free half a garage by the court.
So what's next? Rent? Car insurance? Phone bill? Mortgage?
Filling out my own taxes? Finally getting a job again?
I can't help myself, I'm terrified of growing up.
I don't want to get old and tired. I don't want to stop writing because I'm exhausted, because my "real" job is taking up the little energy that I have?
I'm a sloth.
I forget which deadly sin that is.
Deadly Sins that I am guilty of:
(And the demons associated with them)
1.Envy Leviathan
2.Sloth Belphegor
3.Lust Asmodeus
4.Pride Lucifer
5.Gluttony Beelzebub
At least I don't have a problem with wrath or greed.
Asmodeus is an interesting demon by the way. He loves Sarah, a human woman. He murders seven of her husbands before the marriages are consummated.
That's kind of romantic right?
2 comments:
We must admit that we're rather thrilled about this new story idea about Asmodeus and Sarah. While you do have an uncanny obsession with the misunderstood villains and other fictitious evil entities, you love them with such a dear heart that I can't help but love that quality about you.
... Just don't let Asmodeus fall in love with you and kill Nick out of Lust. That would really "uck up your shit."
Also, growing up is scary. It really, really is. I could totally pretend that I'm so grown up right now but I'm not. At all. It's just like a little step for me, being here at colleg in a dorm. You're definitely more "mature" than me and can probably handle whatever comes your way. Especially since you've got that treasure-of-a-fiancee, Nick.
What is yelling "Ewop!" a reference of?
BTW, Devendra Banheart is wonderful. Too bad Lauren found him first.
glad you are finally coming to your senses. everyone knows you are a true beauty- in & out.
also, your book is great, and your demon book would probably also be great if you didn't make the sarah character too good looking.
okay.
if I have made you afraid of growing up, and of life because I am a nobody with nothing to say anymore... well then, forgive me.
I hope you can overcome that. you are certainly nothing like me, and that should be a point in your favor.
you will go out there and wrestle the world for your dues. do not worry!
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