Oh. my. God. Leavenworth

Alec already wrote us a novel about the trip, so here are some pictures. This one is my very first cigarette break of the journey. It is also the last picture of those sunglasses. I left them behind at Wanapum dam...

A horrid critter. This is actually by Leslie groves, but it seemed to fit in...

Wanapum dam again. Alec always makes the best faces.

It was very windy.

More of the windy dam.

Aren't we...something?

The flying toaster graffiti in Leavenworth. Back alleys are where it's at.

I begin to look progressively uglier as the trip goes on.

Alec also does a rather smashing "epic explorer" face.

Mermaid of the Wenatchee river.

A fairy painting in some overpriced shop that I enjoyed.

The hills are alive with the sound of MUSIC.

Medium sized Billy Goat Gruff.

Interpretative dance? Or Billy Elliot?

Camping really took its toll on our hot-ness.

Mission to Marzipan and Dawdling in the Doldrums...

weight-growing rapidly
cigarettes-1 (I am very poor)
mood-unpleasant
bank account- dwindling.

picture by: http://tioandria.deviantart.com/

Another day of my life consumed by boredom and sleepy moping.
I know, how melodramatic, as it is only noon currently.
So far my phone has only rung to inquire about calculators. (Mother)

Sadly it was not a happy business man saying, "Hey, you want a job?"

Not even a dear friend or tolerable acquaintance asking me to swim in the river or photograph them.

And yes, I am very aware of how ridiculous I am.
I can't go fill out applications for minimum wage employment because I currently hate my fading orange-red-brown "Malaysian cherry" hair. I can't bear to look in the mirror because my hideously fatter-than-it-was body repulses me.
How can I withstand the degradation of job hunting in this fragile frame of mind?
Isn't that a bit much to ask?

So instead I reread an awful piece of literature which I am too ashamed to acknowledge, and ate Nick's entire carton of Ben and Jerry's icecream.
"Mission to Marzipan"
It was very delectable but leaves a strange aftertaste in my mouth.

So here I am in the doldrums. There are so many things to be done, but no motivation.

And not even a pack of smokes.

Yay, Godspell!

Tonight I went to church. To see a MUSICAL. Though I was thoroughly inundated with Jesus, I really appreciated the show. As Alec predicted, "By my Side" was the loveliest song in the performance. It inspired me to learn how to harmonize.
Let's rewind a bit.
I arrived fifty minutes early to Bethel Church. (The venue for the musical.) Smoking in my knee high leather boots as I read Definitely Dead in my car, I waited for the show to begin.

Churches make me uneasy.
I probably have too much Satan in me to feel comfortable in them.
However, I make a point to attend all of Alec's plays. So I trudged in with my game face on.
Actually, I apparently did not. After the show I was informed (by Alec, who was reporting the observations of the cast) that I looked "pissed, angry, or cantankerous" for the duration.
When I left the house I was going for sex pot.
Something must have gone awry.

Back to the main topic, the show's cast was incredible.
Between Emily?, Lauren Smith, Melissa, Andy, girl with feather boa, many more that I do not know the names of, and of course Alec, the parts were more than filled. I loved watching the mannerisms of the actors. They are so good at plastering cheery/depressed/seductive/tortured expressions on their faces.

I had to rein in my laughter when "Jesus" sang "Oh God, I'm dead.." in a voice that was reminiscent of David Bowie.

I'm sorry Jesus, I have this awful habit of laughing at you in church productions.

Now I prepare myself for a lonely and quiet evening with my book. And my new pet fly, Brady.
Brady is on my shit list right now, he wakes me up with his tickle-ly feelers and buzzing wings.


Okay. That's all folks.

P.s.
Alec you were fantastic, and I think God was so proud. I know I was.

Solitary Confinement (Self Imposed)

"I'd rather be lonely, I'd rather be free, I'm as sure as the moon rolls around the sea...That I could be happy."

Thank you Jenny Lewis. I love your words and your beautiful voice. You always find words that slice into me and fit in a perfectly poignant way.

I've never felt particularly strong. But upon reflection, at least today, I feel like a warrior/champion/soldier of fortitude. I'm always ending up alone. We all do. The tired old saying, "We die alone" is simple fact.
But more importantly, we live alone. I don't care if a person is married and thriving. They are alone inside their heads. We all have to deal with the ugly sad parts of ourselves that others never see. We are all alone. We will always be alone.
Making "love" is not a fusion of spirit and mind and soul, just flesh. Feel free to have an opinion about this. Feel free to say, "Our divine souls conjoin in our marriage bed, we experience a mental mind fuck as well, and we are joined as one being."
In my earnest and frank opinion, this is a crockery of bullshit.

Let's just be honest.

I'm not trying to say that love is fictional.
Still, not one person can know another person completely.
We can love the parts that we get to see.
Tolerate the parts that we see and don't love so much.
But the human brain, that grey mass floating around in each person's skull, is impenetrable.
Obviously it doesn't help when the person won't say a goddamned complete sentence about the situation.
Well, as I said earlier, I feel strong today. I am made of wonderful. So I can persist. And you know what?
I think I'm going to embark on a love affair with me.

Art, anyone?

http://rhinofeeder.deviantart.com/

http://aacollins.daportfolio.com/

Those links will guide you to my photography collections.

Also, I need more models.
You won't get paid...but it'll be a blast?

Spooky Couch

As I write, Albert Hammond Jr. is playing a lovely song. I first heard it in Bellingham, riding around in a foreign town, dreaming about making a life there.
I was slumped in the driver's seat, letting the sound waves wash over and through me. I was driving down the highway, fantasizing about holding someone's hand.
The windows rolled down, a cigarette dying in my hand, my hair blowing around, the trees.

Love is so awful sometimes.


People keep informing me that I am so depressing. That I make them sad.
Well, sorry.
I am what I am. I've never lured a person into being my friend with false promises of how cheerful and upbeat my personality is.
You all know what you're getting yourselves into.
So just leave me.
So just stop calling.
I just don't fucking care.
I refuse to repent for my nature.

It seems like I'm at some pivotal point in my life.
If asked where I planned to be in six months, I would have no idea how to respond.
I've floated along all summer. But that has to end sometime. Right?

My head is throbbing. And this blog leaves much to be desired. Oh well. I just liked the picture Alec took of me today. It was perfect.

Living in a Plastic Bag

http://icanhascheezburger.com/

I know just how that fish feels.