Hello, Welcome to the Third Circle of Hell.

I know I'm not the best human being. I fucked with people's lives and their heads. But, honest to Jesus, do I deserve the current standard of living that I am enduring right now?

My mother was recently abandoned by husband number four. She has no money, college education, or real work experience.

I moved into her backyard right before he left. I had spent five years trying to stay away from her. My boyfriend got me to move into this place with him.

A day after my mother's fourth husband jumped ship, Nick (the boyfriend) followed suit.

He didn't really give me a reason.

My mother took this as ample invitation to knock at my door three or four times a day and ask me to do favors. She cried on me. I can't get out of this place now. It is morally wrong to leave a person in her situation.


I couldn't blame him for leaving; I have been making his life miserable because of my persisting (romantic) obsession with my best friend. Nick would go out drinking to spite me.

So he moved away. And we still loved each other and tried to stick it out.

Tonight he called and asked me to do something with him. I called back five minutes later and he decided to ditch me in favor of Colin and Brett. I was okay with it. I wasn't even angry.

I call him at two in the fucking morning. And what do I hear? Laurren's voice drifting through the speaker.
He didn't invite me. He was lying in a bed with Brett and my female friend.

And guess what? He had been drinking again.

I don't do that. I may hang out with Alec. I may fantasize about him inappropriately. I do not lay in bed with him and drink. I don't even touch him very much. Just a goodbye hug. I do not deserve this.

I'll say it again, because I have always blamed every issue on myself. I blamed myself when my stepbrother molested me. I blamed myself for Nick drinking. I blamed myself for the fat girl in Pullman that rolled around with MY boyfriend as he fumbled with her bra in a drunken fucking stupor.

Not this time.

I do NOT deserve this.

I don't.

But I am so afriad of losing him. I feel sick imagining it.

Alec doesn't call. I have no friends.

But should I let those things spur me to hold on to him when he treats me like shit?

No.

I called back and dumped him.
I hope I can keep from losing my sanity over this situation.

Also, there is a colony of ants in my half of the garage.
Also, I have no money.
Also, I quit my job like an idiot.
Also, I'm going to sleep alone again.

Oh well.
What can you do?

Unemployment

I quit my job at Hastings on Thursday of last week.
It was vaguely crazy because I just didn't want to work for THIS weekend. I can't say that I (always) hated it there. I quit a job I have worked at for...nearly a year, so I could go on a trip to Bellingham. I grabbed my last paycheck and put it in checking. Nick and I stuffed random clothing into backpacks and stole some chicken out of my father's fridge. We scarfed it and fled to the open road.

During the first stretch of the journey I silently watched the numbers on the CD player tick closer to my scheduled shift. I writhed about nervously and breathed a sigh of relief after four 'o' clock rolled by and Hastings failed to call me.

Nick and I are struggling. It's all directly linked to my afflictions. We seemed to do okay for the first while. He was brimming with excitement for his new job. He even listened to my music in the car. (Whoa.)
The mood took a serious plummet as we stepped onto the Western Washington University campus. It was beautiful. The trees tried to graze the old sturdy buildings. The WTF statue glistened in the sun. I could see the Puget sound from a balcony where I imagined myself lighting cigarettes between classes. I wandered up a trail behind one of the buildings and I got into a forest in less than a minute. I loved the campus dearly. I began to talk about all of the things I would do in each respective spot.
"Oh I'll get coffee in the Underground Cafe and smoke on this whimsical staircase."
"I could go on adventures through the woods"
"Look at that music building! I could try to take classes there."
Etc. etc.
Nick was not digging my enthusiasm.
Because to go to college is to leave him.

We found a beautiful little beach with an odd table and chair set. I think he felt better sitting under a train track overlooking the ocean playing Spanish guitar.

Anyways, we slept in a flimsy tent surrounded by hundreds of obnoxious people in Larrabee State Park. I heard a cougar eating what sounded like a wild boar. It was horrifying and Nick slept through it all.

I dreamt I had been beaten and had egg shaped bruises on my hips. It was just my mind's feeble protests against the rocky soil.

We roused ourselves early and set off again. After a tasty breakfast at The Bagelry we set off to Canada. Vancouver specifically. Canada was awful. He went there to drink alkie. I went there unenthused but willing to be a good sport after the Belligham depression.
The border agent was a skinny blonde bitch. She seemed like a dominatrix and all I knew of was her voice and skinny forearm. (I was in the passenger seat)
We decided that Canadians enjoy triangles more than other shapes because the roofs were all fashioned that way.
Vancouver was huge and a strange combination of friendly and apathetic. The people all looked happy, like in their shopping bags and large purses IV drips of serotonin were trickling into their veins. No one looked at strangers though. I didn't understand the currency at all. Gas said it cost 105.3. I though I must have been confusing something...
A man was lounging on his apartment balcony butt naked. I stared.
We found an enchanting park, but then we got very lost. After harsh words and many dehydrated hours of hiking through the streets, we finally made it back to the red ZX2. We hightailed it out of that country and headed for the USA border. I played angry Nirvana music.

Then the story goes from intruiging to just plain wacked out. I come up with the brilliant idea of stalking my friend across Washington to Forks. (It was supposed to be a joke.) Nick latched on to the plan though and starts driving as I complain about my nausea incessantly. We finally get a hold of Alec and he tells me to go home.

So we do. After many hours of driving we pull up to the lovely shed called home and collapse into a real bed. Sure we have a slight ant infestation currently, but it beats the living shit out of camping without a sleeping bag.

Strange times. And I wonder, will I get another job?

Insomnia is not Glamorous.

I slept slightly under five hours last night. Or should I say, this morning? Now I'm already too awake and probably going to head down to the Columbia River to burn a letter and smoke. I can't shake the feeling that there is vomit crawling up the back of my throat, I've been on the verge of puking for most of yesterday evening, last night, and apparently this morning. My head is pounding.

But all of this complaint is nothing. It is meaningless. Why should my discomfort matter in the larger scheme of destroying everything I can get my hands on? You should all go listen to Rilo Kiley sing "Absence of God". Jenny Lewis describes me perfectly in the last verse.
Oh wait, no one reads this except my sister and my former best friend. Isn't this just a pathetic cry for sympathy or forgiveness? Possibly. I think I might have made (one of) the worst decisions in my life yesterday.

On the brighter side of life, I lost some weight from all the trauma.

Mr. Yellow Comes to a Hastings near you.

Here is a play list for the show:

1. It

2. Hematoma

3. Rocky Raccoon (Cover)

4. Buddha

5. Running

6. James Taylor (Cover)

7. Orphans?

8. Untitled

9. Demonic Possession

10. Wires and Waves (Cover)

11. RaeAnne

12. Norwegian Wood

Come check it out...If you want.

Ode to a Building at Six a.m.

Industrial carpet,
greets me,
in shades of every neutral tone.
Firm and unyielding,
a friend.

These plain white walls,
vaulted ceilings,
that contented hum
of the air control.

The far off vibrations
of brass
and bass
the alien spaceships
that glare

An empty place,
Full of me.

If I strain my ear,
Remembered noises reverberate.

High heels and bootclad feet,
Crowds that jostle for their seats
(in a dignified manner of course)

Curled hair, crisp shoes
The growing crescendo

Sweeping bows,
the bright blood of flowers
on the ground.

I lay embracing,
Industrial carpet
and remembering.

Happy Endings, 150 yen

So I quit smoking.

Haha.

Sometimes I am so grateful that I am fantastic at arguments.
Cake really said something wise in the "Love You Madly" song.

I don't want to wonder, if this a plunder, I don't want to worry if we're going to stay together till we die.

Maybe it's better to just focus on what you will do today. Who knows when I'll die? I could get in some car wreck or my heart could give out. Maybe the soup pot at work will electrocute me. So in conclusion, fret not, it just ruins things. So, my love made love with a beluga whale. But it all turned out okay and that's what matters. Seriously.
But I really should quit smoking my delicious vanilla sweet dreams. I think my lungs are giving. out.

And you know what? You're fat.

But so am I.

Goddamn swingers.

Why do I set myself up for these trainwrecks?

The very worst part of it all, I still want to call. I think when someone treats me like a complete douchebag, I just want them so much more. It's really sick.

SO other news, I am a failure in most aspects of my life. I work so hard at my stupid dead-end job and all I receive are criticisms. I scrape the doorjamb clean, clean under the ice maker, and it's never enough. If I didn't love living so decadently, I'd walk right out.

Radiohead is so beautiful. It makes my ears dance.
Mr. Yellow is dead in the water. I'm no closer to becoming a musical sensation.
I wish with all of my being that I was a better person.

Alas, it was not meant to be.