Photoshoot with Miss Shepherd

Comfortably Numb

I crouch next to the poorly insulated door to my shed, searching for nothing on the vast internet. The cold creeps under and around the door, leaving me shivery and numb.
I can be more than this, right?
I mean, I'm more than halfway done with a novel. An interesting and thoughtful novel.
(In my opinion.)
I have written songs that rival ones I've heard on the radio. Lyrics that are haunting and well composed. (Also in my opinion.)
I've grown into a woman, no longer the ugly fashion retarded teenager of days past. I notice people watching me at school, and it isn't because I'm yelling, "Ewop!" or delivering candy hearts to a stranger, or skating around on cardboard, or hitting people with purses, or stealing frog testicles, or running around the football field smeared in fake blood.
I get jealous looks from girls and lustful ones from men. Believe me, it isn't my ego talking. I still don't have much of an ego.
It's strange to admit it, that I recognize my physical appeal. I've lived for so long afraid that my legs were swelling up and my stomach fat was exploding from my shirt. (Delusions, as I have never been overweight.) I lived my entire teenagerhood feeling either bland or hideous. But here I am, growing up. Realizing that I've been silly.
My father is turning my college account over to me. Cutting the cord. From here on out, I'm taking care of my tuition. He's giving me a lump sum to plan my wedding.
Next I'm getting kicked out of my rather small, but mostly free half a garage by the court.
So what's next? Rent? Car insurance? Phone bill? Mortgage?
Filling out my own taxes? Finally getting a job again?
I can't help myself, I'm terrified of growing up.
I don't want to get old and tired. I don't want to stop writing because I'm exhausted, because my "real" job is taking up the little energy that I have?
I'm a sloth.
I forget which deadly sin that is.
Deadly Sins that I am guilty of:
(And the demons associated with them)

1.Envy Leviathan

2.Sloth Belphegor

3.Lust Asmodeus

4.Pride Lucifer

5.Gluttony Beelzebub

At least I don't have a problem with wrath or greed.
Asmodeus is an interesting demon by the way. He loves Sarah, a human woman. He murders seven of her husbands before the marriages are consummated.
That's kind of romantic right?

Freedom

Rae helped me out last night with an impromptu demonic photoshoot.
I had put dark purple shadows under her eyes and colored chapped nude lips on her *and* though she was actually drooling on herself, I snapped this one where she looks quite lovely.
Sort of, trapped inside her own body, sparring with her demons...
Well, today I got home rather early because my class was canceled.
I was going to sit it out and go to Math 107, but I knocked my pop can and Shasta pepsi was soaking into everything. Me, the seat...
And I said,
"It is not my day today. I had better retire."
I returned home and accidentally let Bartholomew out. And accidentally didn't even notice that he had escaped.
It is an unusually sunny day for January (GLOBAL WARMING!) so I can't blame him really.
I discovered that he was gone, and ran outside.
There he was, sniffing my mother's dead African grasses and frolicking quite joyfully.
I didn't want to drag him back into the stuffy little studio, so instead I let Charlie out too, thinking that I could handle two at a time. Thinking that I would just let them have turns.
Bad idea.
Charlie kind of shrunk into himself and hid by the grasses.
Bartholomew was considering escaping the yard and venturing off. I could see it in his sharp yellow eyes.
I tried to capture him and let Firenze have a turn. Instead, all of them ran out and into the bushes.
Poor cats, they really are quite smart, but can any kitten resist the lure of a swashing stick?
Mine couldn't. I rounded them up and locked them safely away.

Then the sad part.
Charlie mewed pitifully at the door. Firenze joined. Bartholomew, normally so silent, also began to squeak sadly.
They pawed desperately at the front door, begging for freedom.
I had to ignore it.
Three unfixed male kittens who don't have their proper vaccinations can't go running off.
I still felt bad.
:[

I'm getting old...

Happy 2010.
I'm turning twenty this year. That blows my mind apart...Seriously, there are grey matter shrapnel bits all over my comforter.
I suppose in the spirit of this mighty drunken non-holiday I will make a few (late) New Year's resolutions.
1. Lose ten pounds
(yeah, we've been saying that for about six years now...)
2. Finish The Attack of the Chocolate Eaters illustrations.
3. Finish Mediocre.
4. Get my A.A
5. Buy a house
6. Get a job
7. Record "Forgive my Intrusion"
Boring stuff, I know.

Lately I've been modeling quite a bit for random photographers. It's actually pretty depressing stuff.
I feel like my soul is leaking out a little more with each snap of the camera shutter. I found a depressingly over saturated and blurry photo of myself on Craigslist today. What an honor. I made it to freaking Craiglist guys.
The ideas for shoots that are proposed to me are dull and inane. (Not always but often.)
I'm constantly reminded to look "sexy."
I've got news for me, I'm not sexy.
I might be attractive. Or quirky. Or even pretty...
But I am no flirty babe. Not even a little.
To top it all off? I get no monetary compensation for it all. Just awkwardness and mild humiliation.
I will just keep slugging away though. My goal is to use modeling to pay for cool trips. I'll have to have a pretty rock solid portfolio to pull that off. So I will take the drudgery from now on without complaint.
We are making great strides in music world. I've made up more songs, Nick and I can play together in harmony. (HAHA...pun)
School starts tomorrow. Let's hope Nick leaves me a few cigarettes so I can make it through.

Devil Cards

http://velveteenflower.deviantart.com

I was recently gifted a deck of tarot cards. I have always thought them (and anything spiritual really) to be tomfoolery and nonsense.
However, the readings I received from my friend Darien nearly changed my mind.
If nothing else, I have yet another weird interest to pursue.

Clive Barker, get out of my dreams!

image courtesy: http://eastmonkey.deviantart.com/

Nightmares more like. I took Seth to school then went back to bed around eight thirty or so.
At first I couldn't get warm enough to sleep, but I was too tired to face the day, so I just laid there.
That's when it all began, one of the most lucid, freaky, and disturbing dreams of my life.
Gary, Kendra, and I went to Fairchild Airforce base to visit Haley. When we got there, only Eileen was around. She stood behind the kitchen sink watching us carefully. In the guest room, several Chucky sized dolls were lounging on dressers and shelves. I picked one up and the ribbons securing its hat together came apart. Something about the doll was creepy, so I had the urge to put it down.
Eileen screeched at me, "You fix his hat!"
"Okay," I said, "but where is Haley?"
She didn't answer, just kind of growled and went away. I searched the house for Haley, creepy doll cradled in my arms. Periodically I would attempt to put its hat to rights.
Finally I became frusterated with the strings and I told the doll, "Fuck you, I don't want to fix your stupid hat."
The thing smiled and its eyes glowed with an unholy yellow light.
"Okay, sorry! I'll fix your hat!"
Then it opened its mouth in a vengeful grimace, revealing little pointed teeth.
I ran back to Eileen, " Can I do something else for you? I can't fix the doll hat."
"Sure honey, if you play with this one."
In her proferred hands a large beak nosed and sharp chinned clown doll sat.
The thing opened its garishly painted mouth and cackled a little.
Suddenly my hat situation seemed more tolerable.
"Nevermind! Don't worry about it.."
I ran back to the guest room and tried to get Gary to drive us away.
He stood with his back to me, staring at a wall. I prodded him and he turned.
An unearthly growling noise came from the back of his throat, I fled the room, throwing the creepy doll against the dresser.
I sprinted down the hall and fled through the front door. My feet were bare and I could feel the cool touch of the dewy grass. I pushed hard. My breath came out in gusts, my legs pumped...
But running, I realized I was dreaming.
"Wake up!" I yelled to myself.
I felt very heavy, my eyelids refused to open. I kept trying to wake up, but sleep dragged me down like an anchor.
Okay, I plotted, I can just dream about something good if I have to stay asleep.
I began to jerk off, laughing at whatever malicious spirit had trapped me in a nightmare.
Somehow, I turned into an even bustier caramel skinned woman who was completely nude.
Then a miniature hog, with burnished and gleaming tusks, descended from the ceiling. It was making awful squealing noises.
It landed by my downstairs and began gnawing giant chunks of flesh from my vag area. Swallowing them whole.
I screamed and writhed in pain, then grabbed the pig thing and crushed its skull in my hands.
"WAKE UP!" I yelled at myself, to no avail.
Next I looked out my window at a hideous old woman wrapped in a cloak, her eyes were milky white with blindness, but she was staring right at me.
I had had quite enough, I felt around for my eyelids, and pulled them apart. I still felt like I was drowning in an ocean of warm sand, but I caught a glimpse of the room through my slitted eye.
WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP! It was my mantra as I tried to shake off the dreams.
Finally, my room came into focus. I then sat in my bed screaming for several minutes.
I rolled over eventually and called Alec, eager to report my nightmare to him.
"Hello?" Alec answered brightly.
" Are you real?" I asked, not quite believing my good fortune.
"Yeah, I'm real...why?"
I then explained the whole nightmare to him in detail.
The nightmare made a perfect replication of his voice.
I hung up with him, then Nick walked in the door. And RaeAnne. And several people I didn't know. They had the inspired idea of hooking up eight or ten wagons and riding them through the streets.
I thought the idea was stupid, so I wandered off alone.
The scene was a ghastly greenish yellow, the sole illumination coming from the street lights. I caught sight of an orange cat.
His fur looked like a myspace picture with the saturation turned up too high.
I followed him down the lane and through a velvet curtained alley.
It led to an odd hallway with a large cage at the end.
A tag read, "Thanks to the humane society, we are saving animal life."
Inside the cage writhed a miniature menagerie. A mouse, mother and child, were fighting off a tiny goat that wanted to devour the baby.
On the upper level of the cage, two kitten sized horses squirmed about. One had the others thigh lodged deep in its throat. It looked very uncomfortable.I watched this cage, transfixed, until it started to hurt my stomach to look at.
I then returned home with the orange cat in tow.
On the way into the house I reconvened with Nick, another cat, and RaeAnne.
Once we let the stray cats into our home, they transformed into large Mexican boys who were flea ridden.
"Oh." I said. "You can use the shower...if you'd like."
I saw one of the boys scratch and a black thing catapulted to the floor.
"Thanks!" He grinned, then sat on my bed.
Yuck. I cringed inwardly, feeling loathe to do laundry before I got to sleep in my bed.
I left the room and returned, (A big feat since our house is only one room) to find it devoid of all my belongings.
What?
"What happened?" I queried Nick.
"We were robbed." He informed me calmly.
"Who did this?"
He shrugged.
Then I woke up, for real this time. I feel like I have run some marathon.
Weird.

Post #70 (We're tired of having 69)

http://hoschie.deviantart.com/

I am plagued by sleepless nights. I lie in bed, feeling sardined by the sandpaper-y wall, countless pillows, and Nick.
The comforter, a gift from Grandma Collins, weighs about fifty pounds. I always feel that it is constricting me like a giant flowery-rectangular snake. (If snakes were flat I suppose.)
Add three kitties to that mess, purring, licking my face, occasionally biting or scratching.
Anyhow, it's a wonder I ever sleep in this bed at all.
I am not a heavy sleeper. I do not fall asleep easily or quickly. Even as a child I found it nearly impossible to nap.
So, my troubles with insomnia are growing.
I just researched the condition online and found out some of the culprits to my trouble with sleep.
1. I am a woman.
(Women are twice as likely to suffer from insomnia.)
2. I had two cups of coffee around seven p.m.
3. I smoked several cigarettes tonight. The nicotine is apparently a stimulant.
Great.
One of the reasons I can do nothing about, short from seeking a sex change.
The other two are my favorite vices. How can the Mayo clinic expect me to give those up?
My dad was being quite hilarious tonight, petting my sleeve to make his over sized black lab whine with jealous rage. Father kept saying, "Good Ariel!", very loudly. It was very demeaning.
He then began calling people "bastards" and "sons of bitches."
We ate meatloaf and browsed Ebay.
Nick and I went to Winco. I wore stripper heels and towered over him. I read him Chapter 8 of Eclipse. I am really getting the whiny Bella voice down.
Well I best be getting off to bed. Though I don't really want to relive any of my nightmares from this morning. I was sodomized by Eminem AKA The Real Slim Shady in front of some gangsta thugs and Alec.
He pretended to be really straight so the ghetto gangsters wouldn't kill him.
Next some random man and I were going on a vacation.
I said, "What are we going to do with the cats?"
He said, "Don't worry about it."
He went outside for a couple minutes with the kitties. He came back in without them.
"What did you do with them?" I inquired.
"Haha, they're having fun in the drainpipe." The man said ominously.
I jumped off my bed and ran outside, found a sewer grate in my mom's driveway and ripped off it's cover.
Bartholomew swam pitifully to me, but Charlie and Firenze were not there. I pulled Bartholomew out and reached my fingers into the slimy dark water, my hand ran into two soggy furry lumps.
I pulled out my kittens and began performing CPR on them, though it was obvious that they were dead.
I'm sure if the dream had continued it would have featured me returning to the house and slitting that man's throat with a kitchen knife.
On that happy note, goodnight loyal readers and friends. :]